Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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