I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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