suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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