Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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