she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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