My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
