i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
