she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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