New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
