I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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