I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
