Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
