Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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