god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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