i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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