my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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