i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
