I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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