Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
