1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
