i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
