Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
ok first of all what the fuck
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
