You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
