I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
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