Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
