OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
