I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Ketchup is God's man juice
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
