do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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