Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
