you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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