I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
