And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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