my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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