I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
