peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
