He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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