Well douche your snatch and let's go!
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
