.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
