Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
