the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
