I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
