Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
