I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
