You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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