i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
