You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
