Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
