I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
