if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
