So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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